July 22, 2010 | 
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Love and attraction
People often ask me whether I believe in love at first sight. I do, I just don’t believe in relationship at first sight. Relationships take time, but it is possible to deeply love someone you have never even met. Everyday, parents start loving their children even before the child is born. Love is a condition which comes from inside us, and depends solely on our ability to love, not on outside forces. When we love someone, it is not the other that generates the loving, they are just the reason we give ourselves for letting our love flow. Love is a state of being we create, a choice we make, a way of holding someone or something. It is not conditional, in that it does not depend on the other being in a certain condition for our love to exist. We can love someone before they are born, after they die, or however they are in between.
When most people talk of love at first sight what they are actually referring to is attraction. While being attracted to someone can be an exciting and pleasurable experience, it is important to understand the clear distinctions between attraction, love, and relationship. While these sometimes blend together smoothly, it is the misunderstanding of each, and the confusion that results from this misunderstanding, that often causes people great pain. Let’s look at attraction since most relationships begin there.
Physical attraction is made up of several components. Among these are visual, chemical, tactile, and olfactory. Each of these can be broken down into several sub-categories, some of which we understand and some we don’t. The bottom line is that while we don’t fully understand every element of what attracts us, someone either is attractive to you on each level or they’re not. Interestingly, the least powerful element of attraction is the visual. This is because standards of attractiveness are learned and changeable, while non-visual physical attraction is instinctive and occurs independent of the thought process. While you may initially be visually attracted to someone, when you get closer to the person, other aspects of physical attraction becomes much stronger factors. You may find yourself very attracted to someone who doesn’t meet your standards for visual beauty, or repulsed by someone you were initially attracted to visually. This happens often with on-line dating since physical attraction can not be felt though a computer.
The first question of any relationship is, “are we going to have sex?” This initial response to others is very deep and old, and is hardwired into our sub-conscious. Most of the time the answer to the initial question is a quick no, and the two people move on to find out what other interaction they can have. If the answer becomes established as yes, such as between spouses, it also lets them move on to other questions. It is when the answer is maybe, that sexual tension and confusion arise, and every interaction becomes shadowed by the presence of the initial question. People often think that this question is the most important one in life. It isn’t. It is merely the first question that arises. Maybe, in the distant past it was the most important, but hopefully we have evolved beyond that stage of relating.
The important thing to remember is that attraction, no matter how instantaneous or powerful is only attraction. While it is very helpful to a romantic relationship to be attracted on as many levels as possible, communication and conduct are far more important factors in most relationships, and certainly in any relationship that is to last over time. No matter how turned on someone makes you, that does not guarantee that you will like, respect or enjoy being with them. I see many clients who fall passionately in love/lust with someone, get married, and then discover that they don’t really like the other person. Remember, no matter how sexually charged the relationship is in the beginning, over the years you will spend more time eating breakfast or driving in the car than having sex. You better find someone you enjoy spending time with if you’re going to spend your life together.
Dr. Jeffrey Low has been a therapist since 1978. He currently works with individual and couples in Sonoma, California. You can contact him, ask questions, and find out more about his work, at www.themarriagepath.com
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