July 29, 2010 | 
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The ecology of marriage
A marriage is an eco-system, and like any eco-system it must be maintained in order to assure the health of those living within. Allow things to get too far out of balance, like the current state of our planetary ecology, and the very survival of the marriage is at stake. Learning how to keep the relationship loving and healthy is the work of marriage. Here are some daily, monthly and yearly things you can do to keep your relationship alive.
Daily – It takes just fifteen minutes a day to maintain the connection between two people. This is not just some random number, but the result of scientific studies demonstrating that if two people spend fifteen minutes in close connection, the electronic signatures of their hearts begin to match. If they do this on a daily basis, their heart signatures will remain the same even if they are separated by hundreds of miles. The best way I know for couples to do this is the “Be with Process”
The Be with Process.
Begin the process by finding a comfortable place to sit across from each other. It doesn’t matter where, as long as you can easily look into each other’s eyes. Take a few deep breaths to get settled. You may be touching or not, depending on your preference, but you want to be close. Mary and I prefer to hold hands.
Look into each others eyes for at least five minutes. Allow yourself to be as present as possible. Focus your attention on your partner, not on the chatter of your mind. When you catch yourself lost in thoughts, simply refocus your attention on your partner. Be aware of your emotional response. Notice if you feel the need to perform in some way for your partner. There is no wrong way to do this, since the purpose is merely to be together during this time. Whatever arises in you is the stuff that gets between you and being with another. The longer you practice being with another, the easier it will get to be present.
When your silent time is over, each of you will take a turn talking to the other. Alternate daily who goes first. Each person shares for five minutes. The other person continues to be present, and just listens. There is no responding. Each person talks without interruption about their own experience. This is not a time for discussing the business of the day. This is a time for revealing your thoughts and feelings about your life. Certainly, you can discuss your feelings about what is happening in your life, but this is about revealing what is below the surface to your partner. Since your partner cannot respond, it is especially important to use ‘I’ statements during this process. This means talking about what is happening with you, not telling your partner what you think is happening with them. If, after both partners have had a chance to share without interruption, you wish to have a dialogue about whatever came out during the process, so much the better.
Monthly – Couples who have been together for a while, especially those with children, forget the importance of extended time together. Taking at least one day per month for just the two of you can make a big difference in your closeness level the rest of the month. This is like when you were dating. Make a plan, do something special, or just go for a drive, the point is to spend the day with just the two of you. If you have children, find some other couples who want their own togetherness days, and trade childcare duty on those days. The parents of your child’s friends are good candidates.
Yearly – Do a minimum two night marriage retreat each year. Like the year-end meeting of a business, this is a time to examine what’s working in your marriage and what is not. What have you learned about yourself, your partner, and your marriage during the year? What would you like to work on individually and together to improve your marriage in the year to come? Be honest both about your successes and shortcomings. Talk and connect during these three days so that you return to your daily life with renewed senses of love, commitment and discovery about your relationship. If you’ve never done anything like this, and are not sure how, you could take a marriage class together as a substitute. The California Healthy Marriage Coalition is a great resource that lists many groups offering marriage weekends
Dr. Jeffrey Low has been a therapist since 1978. He currently works with individual and couples in Sonoma, California. You can contact him, ask questions, and find out more about his work, at www.themarriagepath.com
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