March 20, 2009 | 
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Warning: bad relationship ahead
While nobody wants to have a negative romantic relationship, it seems that at some time most of us do. In the end, all relationships can be seen as learning experiences, but there are ways to limit the number and severity of romantic train wrecks. However, if you think that the problem is that you keep getting involved with losers, it’s time to take some responsibility. Either you are unconsciously behaving in ways that cause your relationships to fail, or you are choosing destructive people to relate to in order to fulfill some need within yourself. This column is about warning signs that the person you just started dating may be a poor candidate for a healthy relationship. However, if you recognize yourself in several of these signs, you may be the problem. If you have had an endless series of negative relationships, my immediate advice is to stop looking for a new relationship, and spend some time looking inward, hopefully with the assistance of a good therapist. Until you learn to love yourself more, examine your negative patterns and learn some new skills, you are not ready for a serious, healthy relationship.
The most important element for avoiding bad relationships is to be honest right from the start. Never say anything you know to be false in order to get a date or impress someone. Don’t hide who you are, or important facts about your life, out of fear of rejection. If the person is going to reject you based on who you really are, it will happen eventually, anyway. Better to find out quickly so you can both move on. This brings us to the guidelines:
1. No relationship is meant to be until it is.
If a relationship is meant to be, it will be. If someone is truly “the one,” then you can’t ruin it. The two of you will simply love each other through whatever arises, and work out the problems. If it ends, then that’s what was meant to be. Just because you are very attracted to someone, or think they’re the one for you, doesn’t mean it will work out. Healthy, positive relationships can last a week, a year, ten years, or a lifetime. The value of a relationship is not measured by time, but by the love, joy and learning generated while it lasts. If you stay in an unfixable relationship, holding on because it used to work and you can’t let go of the old hopes, you may miss out on somebody really great who’s available now.
2. They have little good to say about prior relationships/lovers or do not have good relationships with the former lovers.
This is a powerful indication that a person has not learned to take responsibility for their experience or actions. They are still blaming others for their failures and their pain. If they have not reconciled with the people in their past, what makes you think they will be more forgiving of you? The odds are great that you will end up as one more in their litany of “lovers that done me wrong.”
If a person has nice things to say about former lovers, but doesn’t actually have good relationships with them, there is something suspicious happening. Is this because their former lovers want nothing to do with them? Maybe they have a much different view of themselves in relationship than others hold of them. It is natural that some relationships will end badly. Sometimes, any on-going connection is unhealthy. People whose relationships all seem to end badly are usually not taking responsibility for their part in the outcome. Staying friends with people you used to date is a sign of emotional maturity and health.
3. They have no close friends of the opposite sex, and/or are threatened if you do.
The ability to see people that you could be sexually attracted to as just friends is critical to intimate relationships. Many men have never learned to really like women, and many women return that feeling. They may “love” them, or even “need” them, but they don’t necessarily like them. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t really like you.
Many people feel threatened by their partner having close friendships with someone of the opposite sex. These fears reflect both a lack of self-esteem, and a lack of trust within the relationship. If you do not trust your partner enough to let them be friends with others, the issues that cause this mistrust, whether they are within you, or based on specific actions of your partner, need to be addressed.
My guest on the radio this week will be David Steele, author of “Conscious Dating” and founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute.
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